My 1st Mothers Day

Today is the first day I qualify to receive a "happy Mother's Day." I've been a mother now (in my mind at least) for over a year. I found out last year around the end of April that I was pregnant and from that moment forward I was mentally becoming a mother. But I have only really completely experienced motherhood for a little over 4 months (or 18 weeks if you want to be real exact about it).

Everyone has a mother, whether she is alive or dead, raised you or not, adopted or biological. Some people have more than one "mother figure" in their lives. In my mind, a true mother is one who loves her children (biological or not) without hesitation nor condition. A mother is a creature of comfort, a teacher, a close friend and confidant. A mother attempts to raise you to be a socially acceptable human being, a good mother attempts to raise you to be MORE than just socially acceptable. She raises you to be kind and good to others. She raises you to value people and to value yourself. She teaches you to enjoy learning, to discover as much as you can about the world around you. A good mother nurtures your personality and encourages you to figure out for yourself who you are and what you want out of life.

I like to believe that most are trying their best to be good mothers. I know I am. And though that leaves a lot of room for me to feel inadequate or lots of guilt, when my baby reaches for me, when I pick her up and she instantly stops crying, when I take her to her pediatrician appointments and she's thriving, I am rewarded in knowing that (so far) I am doing a good job.

Mothers today are lucky. We have a lot of information (good and bad) at our fingertips that can be very helpful to us. We have a lot of support from society (a lot more than mothers from older generations had). Being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom might still spark a debate for some, but I think that, overall, both are respected by most. I think most people appreciate the need for some moms to work, and most appreciate how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom (we don't think those that are twiddle their thumbs all day while eating bon-bons and watching Desperate Housewives).

Being a Mom is a lot tougher than I thought it would be.. and I barely just got in the ring. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for my Mom, who went from 2 to 4 kids when she married my step-dad, and then had to raise us very often alone because my step-dad traveled so much.

I feel like I can finally appreciate other moms out there, it is hard being a mom. It is hard worrying about another human being constantly... and just because they grow-up doesn't mean it gets any easier watching them live their lives and make mistakes. I know that motherhood is a difficult title to take on, but I am so thankful to have the opportunity to take it on. I am so in love with my daughter, and I am so glad that (to me) motherhood means lots and lots of love, and the opportunity to contribute an amazing person to society.

Happy Mother's Day!

It's 1 AM and my lucky streak is over

I've been living the good life. The kind where I wake up once a night, Sonja eats, and we all go back to sleep. We get 5-6 hours the first round, and then we get another 4-5 hours after that (give or take). In a way that's what's made the last few nights the hardest. Sonja has been waking up every 2-3 hours or less and screaming almost instantly when she does, where she would normally just start kicking and fidgeting and I'd have time to pump or warm up some milk from the fridge. Now I'm popping out of bed and running for the fridge to warm it up as fast as I can before her screams wake up the city.

No other mother told me that the sound of my own baby's crying would hit me so deeply within my soul, it wrenches a part of me I didn't know existed. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, panicky, and like I'll never feel joy again when I hear that cry. Nothing is worse than waking from a nice slumber than waking up by the scream of your own baby. It's just awful. I don't know how most moms can handle it, or how any mom could deal with a colicky baby... it's enough to drive a woman temporarily insane.

So here I am wondering what changed. She got her 4 month vaccines 2 days ago. Is that it? Her first tooth just broke the gum a few days ago, and the other one isn't far behind.. is that it? Is it a growth spurt? She's awfully hungry. And she sleeps a lot just not all at once like she was doing.

I don't know.

Welcome to Motherhood right? Part of the price we pay for having a child we love so much, is that very love that is such a gift and such an amazing experience is also a handicap to our own happiness, our own selfish needs are now second. Every day even my basic needs come second. I don't get to eat or even go to the bathroom until she's changed, fed, and happy enough that I won't feel guilty for heating up an oatmeal or getting a drink of water. My poor cats never know when I'm going to finally get around to feeding them. I've been working on not screwing them over quite so much, so now I don't even let myself eat until they've eaten.

I haven't dyed my hair since a week before Sonja was born. Someone asked me if I had natural red highlights in my hair... no.. that's just the remnants of the color that's slowly being shampoo'ed out of my hair every day or other day when I get the chance to shower. This would've never flied if I weren't a mother. I don't even usually wear makeup anymore. It's like, what's the point? I'm not out to impress anyone.. It might rub off onto Sonja's face, and what if it's toxic or something? Most makeup is... and so I just don't wear it. I can't even do my hair, because Sonja will pull it out. I wear it in this low bun and she pulls that out. If I don't, she grabs the skin on my neck and pulls that. I can't win. But I can't lose because I love her too much to care all that much.

I keep my nails short so I don't scratch her on accident. I don't wear my wedding ring most of the time because the diamond pokes out and I would DEFINITELY scratch her with that.

I strap myself to a pump and pump for 30-45-60 minutes in order to keep her on breast milk because breast feeding just never worked for us. I do this every 4 hours. Because I love this little milk beast.

I don't work out like I want to. I love working out. I'm sick like that. I want to go for a freaking run. I want to go to the weight room and lift. I want to do sprints, join a kickboxing class... all of these things that I love to do... but I can't. I can't do any of it yet, because she's too young for a baby sitter and Jeff and I get so little time as it is. I have to settle for a few stolen moments of pushups, lunges or squats. I take her for long walks, and wait for the day she turns 8 months, so I can finally go jogging with her.

Being a mother is all about sacrifice. I knew this in theory before Sonja was born, and now I'm experiencing it in practice, and I must say, having experienced it first hand, I have a lot more respect for the other mothers out there, and I can see why we all band together. You have to. The support is absolutely vital to my survival.

Just my thoughts at 1 (well, now 1:30) AM.