Sonja is 3 months old!

Sonja is 3 months old! Here are 3 out of the 56 photos I took to document the occasion...

I don't have a lot of time to myself to do things like.. blog. Sonja doesn't sleep nearly as much as she did in the beginning, but I don't mind. She's sleeping more at night and I'm so happy about that!

A lot has happened in the last month. Sonja started smiling and now laughs! It's the cutest thing, she giggles when I kiss her all over her face and neck and laughed at me blowing raspberries on her belly. She also smiles and squeals when we stick out tongue out at her, make funny noises, often when I sing to her, and at other random times. Melts my heart.

The funniest and most recent development is when we put Sonja on her little play mat, she loves to grab the mirror and look at herself, and often cracks herself up and sends herself into smiling fits while looking at her reflection! It's hilarious. I will try to get a video of it sometime. Meanwhile here's a picture of her playing with the mirror.

Meghan came to visit this month, which was awesome since she'd just started smiling and really reacting to us when she got here, and she loves her Aunt Meghan. Meghan was very helpful and despite saying she wouldn't change diapers, she did change Sonja's. She also informed me that I needed to get out and do things and stop being afraid to go anywhere with Sonja... and that we did.

We went to the Jelly Belly factory an hour or so away from here, and we went to the Charles Schultz Museum (creator of Peanuts). We went to San Francisco to see a Pediatric Otolaryngologist who was going to cut Sonja's upper lip tie.. and we decided to turn it into a mini vacation. It was so fun. We went to fisherman's wharf and Sonja was really well behaved. We got crab cakes and toured Pier 39 where all the shops are. Meghan even got Sonja a little prison onesie at the Alcatraz shop. The next day we went to see the doctor and I decided, after speaking with her, not to cut Sonja's lip tie. I felt the trauma was not worth it, I'd rather wait till she's older IF she needs it, so I can at least explain why it's happening to her.

Breast feeding is still going very poorly. The tongue clip helped a little but not much. Unfortunately, because we caught it so late, she has learned a bad latch technique, is not very savvy with using her tongue, and has a very sensitive gag reflex because she never really experienced much touching the roof of her mouth, so even certain pacifiers make her gag. I'm working with a NEW lactation consultant, who is MUCH BETTER than the last one who was almost worthless other than identifying her tongue tie. We are doing some physical therapy style stuff with her to reteach her how to use her tongue, to help desensitize her gag reflex, and that sort of thing. They are all like games and she really enjoys them.

So for now I am mostly pumping and bottle feeding her. It's better this way for both of us because she's finally getting enough to eat and I'm finally able to put a towel on after my shower without screaming in pain... the wind no longer hurts my poor boobies.

Sonja and I have a lot of fun together during the day. We ease our way out of bed around 10:30 in the morning usually after 1-2 feedings during the early morning hours. Sonja is changed, fed, I pump, we play for a while, she hangs out on my bed while I get dressed and ready for the day, she usually dozes off for a 30-45 minute nap, wakes up, eats again, I pump, we play, maybe go for a walk or she plays on her play mat, I find ways to entertain her or she sits in her rockin recliner while I do dishes and sing to her. She loves when I sing to her. Sometimes we dance around... our days are sort of long and full of me entertaining her, but ultimately I enjoy her very much and actually prefer her being awake than sleeping... when she sleeps I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, here are some photos of my beautiful girl from the last month of her life!

Here's a photo from yesterday, 4/3/2013, Sonja is wearing the strawberry dress I picked out for her at Gymboree! So cute! 

As you can see, she's a beautiful girl, here she is wearing her Juicy Couture dress that I bought for her right after I found out she was a girl and I went on a shopping frenzy! I think she looks positively angelic here!

Here is one of the Easter photos I took of her with the Easter basket her Opa, Oma, and Aunt Rebekah sent, she really loves the lamb.. I let him sit in her rocker with her so she can stare at him

here's a video of her laughing a little bit.. she really started laughing on Easter day!

my smiley girl!

Me, Sonja and Meghan at the Charles Schultz Museum

You can't see Sonja here, but she's in the stroller hanging at Pier 39

Meghan thinks Sonja will be a lefty like her!

Sonja at the hotel. It was a sweet experience for me, I let her sleep with me that ONE time because I know I won't roll on her.. I'm the lightest sleeper that ever lived. She slept so well next to me.. if Jeff wasn't such a big lug I would let her sleep with us always.

I love this photo of Meghan and Sonja. I haven't seen my sister so googly over a baby since Rebekah was a baby!

Jeff and I with Sonja at the Jelly Belly Factory

Meghan, Sonja and Me at the Jelly Belly Factory

More Jelly Belly Factory...

I enjoyed the giant Jelly Bean Bunny

Meghan hates taking photos. I got her right before her hand went up to block her face. 

worst photo of me ever but I like having a few of us together :)

Doesn't she look like a little baby doll? I just love this kid!

I don't know if it's obvious yet, but I love this child so much... she might make my life a little more challenging, but I have not regretted for an instant having this baby girl in my life. Especially now that she smiles and giggles and interacts! I am trying to enjoy these days before she starts crawling and destroying everything :).

Sonja is 10 weeks old!

If I could go back in time and tell my poor, unknowing self what motherhood would be like, I am pretty sure I would have had a psychotic break when I got pregnant. It's terrifying, beautiful, exhausting, and draining all at the same time. I love this little girl more than I have loved anything ever. My desire to protect her and keep her happy is greater than my desire to breathe. I would not think twice about giving my life up for her to live. I've never felt this way before.

What can I say to explain to the rest of you what a beautiful child I have? 

Sonja is an amazing baby. She sleeps really well, at least 4 hours straight and sometimes 6 or 8. Sonja is easy to put to bed too. At night, we make sure she's been up for at least 2 or 3 hours and then we feed her and burp her and put her in her bassinet with a binky and it's lights out. Sonja doesn't cry or fuss.. she just sucks on her binky, stares into the dark, and falls asleep. 

We are still having a lot of trouble with the latch. I recently FINALLY got a lactation consultant to actually return my calls for help, and she instantly diagnosed Sonja with a tongue and upper lip tie. We ended up getting her lip tie cut this past Tuesday, and are scheduled to get her lip done on the 27th of March. The hospital wanted to put her under general anesthesia to do her lip, but I found a dentist who will do it with a laser while she is awake. I just am terrified of putting her under so young, and I don't think it's necessary. 

It's been heart breaking for me to deal with so much happening to her. First the vaccines.. I had to leave the room. It was awful. Jeff stayed and held her down and she got 2 shots. She screamed, and then we took her home, she was OK until she woke up... she screamed and screamed. My heart just kept breaking with her screams. I couldn't handle it. She never screamed like that before, and she hasn't screamed like that since. Even the tongue tie clipping (another procedure I had to leave the room for) went better. She cried for about 10 seconds and then started wiggling her tongue around like.. what?? Jeff has been an amazing Daddy sticking around for all of these procedures. He really loves his girl.

Sonja is smiling and making cute little coo noises now. She has the most beautiful smile. She loves it when I poke her nose and face and make robot noises, and she loves when daddy copies her little faces. She smiles when I start singing at her, especially when I sing "I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserables, most disney songs, and any Kenny Chesney song... it's hilarious. She really loves Kenny Chesney at the moment.

Sonja has gotten slightly more fussy as she's been getting older and has more time to be awake and get annoyed with me. She loves her activity mat, and really enjoys looking around my room with the window open and a breeze coming in. She enjoys the cats, and has been officially adopted by Akira. Akira comes running full blast when Sonja starts crying and then will face rubby the back of her head or just sort of dance around her helplessly. It's incredibly cute. 

Again, we're having a lot more trouble with breast feeding than I initially believed. My last post on it, I thought it was getting better, but in fact it has gotten a lot worse. She either forgot or never quite got the latch right, I believe her lip and tongue tie are the culprits, but either way I have been in excruciating pain since she was born. If you could see the damage she has done to my.. erm.. nipples.. you would be horrified. 

I was hoping the tongue release would solve all of our problems, but it has not. I fear she has learned a certain technique and breaking her of that habit is not going to be easy.. it may even be impossible. But I am hoping maybe the lip tie fix will help. I guess we will see. Meanwhile, I have started giving her bottles when the pain becomes unbearable. If I can't get her latch fixed within a few weeks of getting her lip done, I will probably end up exclusively bottle feeding her pumped breast milk, and then only comfort nursing her. It makes me really sad that nursing has turned into such a trying thing for me. I wanted it to be beautiful and bonding, and really, it has been bonding.. but it's also been painful, frustrating, and heart breaking. Nothing has made me cry harder than wanting to feed my baby, but finding the pain so bad I cannot continue feeding her. And I just wish it hadn't gone this way, that our original lactation consultant had actually called me back and helped me, and that someone had caught her lip and tongue tie as a newborn rather than waiting until she's had 10 weeks of bad latching practice. It frustrates me to no end.

Despite all of that, Sonja is growing quite nicely, She's 11 lbs now and really close to 23 inches long. She's officially outgrown all of her newborn clothes and is in the 0-3 month clothing. She will probably outgrow the 3 month sizes within a month. She's really right on target for her age.

I love my child. Life is harder now, the carefree days of utter selfishness are no longer mine to enjoy. It doesn't matter if I want to eat, sleep, pee... it's all dependent on what Sonja will allow. But nothing is more beautiful than when she sleeps in my arms, or smiles up at me. Nothing more rewarding than putting my cheek to her cheek and hearing her little sigh and knowing she's content and happy to be with me. It's all worth it, every worry, every painful moment, because she is my Sonja and I am utterly in love.  

Sonja in her Zebra onesie.. this is her curious face

here she is at 2 months old.. love that face!

My little goofball!