Sunday, May 12, 2013

My 1st Mothers Day

Today is the first day I qualify to receive a "happy Mother's Day." I've been a mother now (in my mind at least) for over a year. I found out last year around the end of April that I was pregnant and from that moment forward I was mentally becoming a mother. But I have only really completely experienced motherhood for a little over 4 months (or 18 weeks if you want to be real exact about it).

Everyone has a mother, whether she is alive or dead, raised you or not, adopted or biological. Some people have more than one "mother figure" in their lives. In my mind, a true mother is one who loves her children (biological or not) without hesitation nor condition. A mother is a creature of comfort, a teacher, a close friend and confidant. A mother attempts to raise you to be a socially acceptable human being, a good mother attempts to raise you to be MORE than just socially acceptable. She raises you to be kind and good to others. She raises you to value people and to value yourself. She teaches you to enjoy learning, to discover as much as you can about the world around you. A good mother nurtures your personality and encourages you to figure out for yourself who you are and what you want out of life.

I like to believe that most are trying their best to be good mothers. I know I am. And though that leaves a lot of room for me to feel inadequate or lots of guilt, when my baby reaches for me, when I pick her up and she instantly stops crying, when I take her to her pediatrician appointments and she's thriving, I am rewarded in knowing that (so far) I am doing a good job.

Mothers today are lucky. We have a lot of information (good and bad) at our fingertips that can be very helpful to us. We have a lot of support from society (a lot more than mothers from older generations had). Being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom might still spark a debate for some, but I think that, overall, both are respected by most. I think most people appreciate the need for some moms to work, and most appreciate how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom (we don't think those that are twiddle their thumbs all day while eating bon-bons and watching Desperate Housewives).

Being a Mom is a lot tougher than I thought it would be.. and I barely just got in the ring. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for my Mom, who went from 2 to 4 kids when she married my step-dad, and then had to raise us very often alone because my step-dad traveled so much.

I feel like I can finally appreciate other moms out there, it is hard being a mom. It is hard worrying about another human being constantly... and just because they grow-up doesn't mean it gets any easier watching them live their lives and make mistakes. I know that motherhood is a difficult title to take on, but I am so thankful to have the opportunity to take it on. I am so in love with my daughter, and I am so glad that (to me) motherhood means lots and lots of love, and the opportunity to contribute an amazing person to society.

Happy Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

It's 1 AM and my lucky streak is over

I've been living the good life. The kind where I wake up once a night, Sonja eats, and we all go back to sleep. We get 5-6 hours the first round, and then we get another 4-5 hours after that (give or take). In a way that's what's made the last few nights the hardest. Sonja has been waking up every 2-3 hours or less and screaming almost instantly when she does, where she would normally just start kicking and fidgeting and I'd have time to pump or warm up some milk from the fridge. Now I'm popping out of bed and running for the fridge to warm it up as fast as I can before her screams wake up the city.

No other mother told me that the sound of my own baby's crying would hit me so deeply within my soul, it wrenches a part of me I didn't know existed. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, panicky, and like I'll never feel joy again when I hear that cry. Nothing is worse than waking from a nice slumber than waking up by the scream of your own baby. It's just awful. I don't know how most moms can handle it, or how any mom could deal with a colicky baby... it's enough to drive a woman temporarily insane.

So here I am wondering what changed. She got her 4 month vaccines 2 days ago. Is that it? Her first tooth just broke the gum a few days ago, and the other one isn't far behind.. is that it? Is it a growth spurt? She's awfully hungry. And she sleeps a lot just not all at once like she was doing.

I don't know.

Welcome to Motherhood right? Part of the price we pay for having a child we love so much, is that very love that is such a gift and such an amazing experience is also a handicap to our own happiness, our own selfish needs are now second. Every day even my basic needs come second. I don't get to eat or even go to the bathroom until she's changed, fed, and happy enough that I won't feel guilty for heating up an oatmeal or getting a drink of water. My poor cats never know when I'm going to finally get around to feeding them. I've been working on not screwing them over quite so much, so now I don't even let myself eat until they've eaten.

I haven't dyed my hair since a week before Sonja was born. Someone asked me if I had natural red highlights in my hair... no.. that's just the remnants of the color that's slowly being shampoo'ed out of my hair every day or other day when I get the chance to shower. This would've never flied if I weren't a mother. I don't even usually wear makeup anymore. It's like, what's the point? I'm not out to impress anyone.. It might rub off onto Sonja's face, and what if it's toxic or something? Most makeup is... and so I just don't wear it. I can't even do my hair, because Sonja will pull it out. I wear it in this low bun and she pulls that out. If I don't, she grabs the skin on my neck and pulls that. I can't win. But I can't lose because I love her too much to care all that much.

I keep my nails short so I don't scratch her on accident. I don't wear my wedding ring most of the time because the diamond pokes out and I would DEFINITELY scratch her with that.

I strap myself to a pump and pump for 30-45-60 minutes in order to keep her on breast milk because breast feeding just never worked for us. I do this every 4 hours. Because I love this little milk beast.

I don't work out like I want to. I love working out. I'm sick like that. I want to go for a freaking run. I want to go to the weight room and lift. I want to do sprints, join a kickboxing class... all of these things that I love to do... but I can't. I can't do any of it yet, because she's too young for a baby sitter and Jeff and I get so little time as it is. I have to settle for a few stolen moments of pushups, lunges or squats. I take her for long walks, and wait for the day she turns 8 months, so I can finally go jogging with her.

Being a mother is all about sacrifice. I knew this in theory before Sonja was born, and now I'm experiencing it in practice, and I must say, having experienced it first hand, I have a lot more respect for the other mothers out there, and I can see why we all band together. You have to. The support is absolutely vital to my survival.

Just my thoughts at 1 (well, now 1:30) AM.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Sonja is 4 months old today!

Today, Sonja turned 4 months old!
She's sneaky like that
She has grown so much since this was taken at 1 week!

We love our sweet, amazing baby! I feel extremely lucky to have the opportunity to stay at home with her and watch her grow and learn first hand. I didn't think I could love this child any more than I already did, but I somehow find my love for her growing every single day. I just am completely enamored with her.

Sonja finally has decent neck control. She's able to hold her own head up and look around when we hold her, and sometimes she sits in her bumbo chair (always supervised) for about 10 minutes or less so she can start working on those abs.

She's also finally started to acknowledge other people and respond to them, and I can tell she can recognize who mommy and daddy are. She's at the point where her bassinet is really too small for her so we moved her to the pack-n-play just last night and she does well in it, although I found her this morning all flipped around lol.. she's not used to having so much room to move and wiggle in.

It's just nice watching Sonja get more and more alert, responsive, and smart. I feel so lucky to have such a happy and healthy baby.

Sonja's 4 month stats:
Height 25 1/4" (84th percentile in height!)
Weight 13 lbs 9.5 oz (50th percentile)
Head Circumference 16 1/4" (50th percentile)

Milestones Sonja has reached in the past month:

- Neck Control
- Her first tooth! (I just felt it a few days ago!!!) it's her bottom left tooth and the right one isn't far behind
- Giggling (might've done that last month too but it's a lot more giggling and actual laughing)
- Squealing
- Rolling onto her sides

Fun Things Sonja and I have been up to the past month:

- We Celebrated Daddy's Birthday on April 11th - I made him the ugliest cake I've ever made and it was delicious.
- We took Akira to the vet to get her bloodwork done and found out that she can finally come off the steroids! Yay! She's healthy!
- We take lots of walks in the neighborhood
- We play a lot on the floor and with Sonja's new toys
- We bought plane tickets to go see Aunt ReRe graduate high school (we're staying 3 weeks!)
- We had lots of fun play dates with Charlotte, Courtney and the moms from Cork Board
- We went to a MOM meeting last thursday where I got to meet lots of other moms and Sonja got to meet a baby who is only a week older than her!
- We went to the Petaluma Butter and Egg Day Festival and Parade
- We went "swimming" (i.e. I took her into the water, dipped her up to her belly button and she freaked out because it was cold so we ended up hanging out on the pool lounge chairs instead
- We have been going to Baby Time at the Library every Tuesday (when we don't sleep through it)

And of course, I have taken LOADS of photos...

The ugliest cake ever (blueberry and lemon)
Sonja and Daddy during his birthday dinner
Me and Sonja during Daddy's b-day celebration :)
Here Sonja is during one of our walks, we found this gorgeous tree and Jeff shook it so the blossoms would shower down on her, she thought it was hilarious
Sonja got a lot of new toys this month now that she will actually interact with things.. this is one of her favorites to chew on
case in point...
The beginnings of rolling over, she now rolls onto her sides
Here she is sitting in her Bumbo seat
Me and Sonja playing in her activity mat
Sonja laughing and hanging with her Daddy
Tummy Time on the Boppy Pillow
She also loves her new organic cloth kitty...
EATING HIM that is (insert psycho music)
Sonja in her swimsuit after her first dip in the pool.. she was not impressed with the cold water
Sonja hanging out with her friend, Leah, who was born a week after her
They kept holding hands it was ADORABLE!
Sonja and her Mommy eating at Outback for her 4-monthiversary!

Oh and here's a cute video of us talking and her laughing

for more videos you can go to