It's 1 AM and my lucky streak is over

I've been living the good life. The kind where I wake up once a night, Sonja eats, and we all go back to sleep. We get 5-6 hours the first round, and then we get another 4-5 hours after that (give or take). In a way that's what's made the last few nights the hardest. Sonja has been waking up every 2-3 hours or less and screaming almost instantly when she does, where she would normally just start kicking and fidgeting and I'd have time to pump or warm up some milk from the fridge. Now I'm popping out of bed and running for the fridge to warm it up as fast as I can before her screams wake up the city.

No other mother told me that the sound of my own baby's crying would hit me so deeply within my soul, it wrenches a part of me I didn't know existed. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, panicky, and like I'll never feel joy again when I hear that cry. Nothing is worse than waking from a nice slumber than waking up by the scream of your own baby. It's just awful. I don't know how most moms can handle it, or how any mom could deal with a colicky baby... it's enough to drive a woman temporarily insane.

So here I am wondering what changed. She got her 4 month vaccines 2 days ago. Is that it? Her first tooth just broke the gum a few days ago, and the other one isn't far behind.. is that it? Is it a growth spurt? She's awfully hungry. And she sleeps a lot just not all at once like she was doing.

I don't know.

Welcome to Motherhood right? Part of the price we pay for having a child we love so much, is that very love that is such a gift and such an amazing experience is also a handicap to our own happiness, our own selfish needs are now second. Every day even my basic needs come second. I don't get to eat or even go to the bathroom until she's changed, fed, and happy enough that I won't feel guilty for heating up an oatmeal or getting a drink of water. My poor cats never know when I'm going to finally get around to feeding them. I've been working on not screwing them over quite so much, so now I don't even let myself eat until they've eaten.

I haven't dyed my hair since a week before Sonja was born. Someone asked me if I had natural red highlights in my hair... no.. that's just the remnants of the color that's slowly being shampoo'ed out of my hair every day or other day when I get the chance to shower. This would've never flied if I weren't a mother. I don't even usually wear makeup anymore. It's like, what's the point? I'm not out to impress anyone.. It might rub off onto Sonja's face, and what if it's toxic or something? Most makeup is... and so I just don't wear it. I can't even do my hair, because Sonja will pull it out. I wear it in this low bun and she pulls that out. If I don't, she grabs the skin on my neck and pulls that. I can't win. But I can't lose because I love her too much to care all that much.

I keep my nails short so I don't scratch her on accident. I don't wear my wedding ring most of the time because the diamond pokes out and I would DEFINITELY scratch her with that.

I strap myself to a pump and pump for 30-45-60 minutes in order to keep her on breast milk because breast feeding just never worked for us. I do this every 4 hours. Because I love this little milk beast.

I don't work out like I want to. I love working out. I'm sick like that. I want to go for a freaking run. I want to go to the weight room and lift. I want to do sprints, join a kickboxing class... all of these things that I love to do... but I can't. I can't do any of it yet, because she's too young for a baby sitter and Jeff and I get so little time as it is. I have to settle for a few stolen moments of pushups, lunges or squats. I take her for long walks, and wait for the day she turns 8 months, so I can finally go jogging with her.

Being a mother is all about sacrifice. I knew this in theory before Sonja was born, and now I'm experiencing it in practice, and I must say, having experienced it first hand, I have a lot more respect for the other mothers out there, and I can see why we all band together. You have to. The support is absolutely vital to my survival.

Just my thoughts at 1 (well, now 1:30) AM.