Monday, January 17, 2011

The Big Life Questions You Never Really Know How To Answer

When I was single, the question was always "When are you going to settle down?" (or in my family's case, they made bets on how young I would get married).

When I was dating, the question was either "When are you going to dump that loser and find someone worthy of you?" or "When are you going to get married?"

When I was married, very quickly into my marriage, I started getting "So, when are we going to have little Hoketungs running around?" or "When do I get grandbabies?" you get the picture...

I've never been good at answering these questions. You cannot really plan these things. I mean, to some degree you can. But my mind changes on a regular basis... regular enough to give me great pause in deciding to do something as PERMANENT as bringing a child into this world. I've been giving it an exceptional amount of thought lately. I don't want to get to an age where having children is a more difficult task, but I also don't want to rob myself of my own youth by having a baby prematurely. I'm selfish, and I enjoy being selfish and focusing on Jeff, Me, and my baby kitties who fulfill me very nicely. I don't want to rock the boat anymore than the shift in careers, the purchase of a new (sexy) vehicle, and the prospect of growing my business is rocking it. But last month I thought I was ready.

Last month I was all about it. Let's have a baby! They are so cute! They bring so much to your life.. blah blah blah. And then I saw it for what it really was. I went and took FLYING TRAPEZE lessons. We are talking dangerous stuff! Ok, it's not like I was in any real life-threatening stuff, but I could not have done that if I had children at home. You cannot be a responsible parent and risk your life like that. It's just not OK. Not till the kids are grown. This Thursday, my husband and I are going to take a Thai cooking class... also something you can't do till your kids are older or you book a babysitter. $cha-ching!$ There are so many things I want to do still. So many goals unreached.

I have so many dreams, hopes, and wishes... and I don't want to give those up. I don't want to lose myself, or any of the things I have on my wish list to have a kid, when I have at least 5 good years that I can wait. Give me 2 or 3 years to chase my dreams before I have to put them on the backburner for what could be forever. Does that make me immature? Selfish? Maybe... but I think the alternative is worse. Say I have a baby. Say I RESENT that baby (who did not choose to be born) because I felt it held me back from my dreams. That's not fair. That isn't right. And I don't want to resent my babies. I want to love them and charish them.

I want to be in a place in my life where I can provide for my children, comfortably, without losing that precious quality time with them. I want to be in a place where Jeff doesn't have to be gone all the time just so Jeff Jr. can play peewee soccor. I could change my mind tomorrow.

But I wanted to put this out there, and I have TONS of friends with babies, and I am in NO way saying you made the wrong decision. This is about ME and ONLY me. My personality is such that I may not be ready yet. And if it happens on accident, I would welcome it with open arms. I just... I just don't have the answer to the question, "when will you have a baby?" It could be never, and it could be this year. Who knows?

Blog Out.

1 comment:

Mhari said...

All I can say is I totally feel you on all of that. That is why I didn't have Andrew until I was almost 29. I had to do a lot of maturing and getting all of that stuff out. But I totally 100% love being a mom too. He is so worth the sacrifice. Feel free to come borrow him anytime though to help you make your decision. :-) He might sway you one way or the other depending on his mood that day lol.